Just One Me

I got a new purse today.

Don't worry, I promise I am going somewhere good with this, just give me a little while to explain. I found a great purse online last week, and it was marked more than half off! Unable to resist such a good deal, I ordered it and have been anxiously awaiting its arrival. It came today at lunch time. I quickly opened the box, removed all of the packaging material and admired my beautiful new purse, all the while congratulating myself on what a steal it was.

Then I saw something sitting in my cubby that got me thinking. My cubby, by the way, is that spot where all of my purses, diaper bags, folders, and kid's backpacks end up when I come into the house. I'm sure you have one too. Unless you are much better organized than I am. In which case, just pretend with me a moment.

Sitting underneath all of the things accumulated in my cubby was a beautiful black leather purse that I have only used one time. Here's the thing; that beautiful black leather purse is a Chanel knockoff that I bought while I was on vacation in NYC this summer. And I hate it. I am too ashamed to carry it. I don't even know why I got it to begin with. I have never in my life wanted a Chanel purse. Even if I could easily afford to buy one, I don't think I would enjoy spending that much money on a bag. I know myself too well. In a few months, I would be tired of it and want something new, no matter how much I had paid for it.

I was excited about it the day I purchased it. But that didn't last very long. On the plane ride home, I saw a group of high-school aged girls all carrying huge "Chanel" purses. It struck me as very vulgar. Then I got home and read an article online about how knockoffs were stealing the intellectual property of someone. Then I "remembered" that knockoffs are in fact illegal and they probably support some underground businesses that I would want nothing to do with. So, suffice it to say, I did not find that "something-for-nothing" deal from Chinatown quite so attractive anymore.

And then it got worse. Suppose someone actually thought it was real. Did I really want anyone to think that I cared about designer labels and status symbols so much that I would spend thousands of dollars on a bag? Um, no.

Don't get me wrong. There is absolutely nothing wrong with buying nice things if you can afford them. And there is nothing wrong with having a lot of money. There are plenty of people in the Bible that God blessed with great material wealth: Abraham, Job and Solomon were all very wealthy men.

But I knew that the purse was a fake. And it made me feel cheap and fake to carry it. So I had to decide which was worse; wasting the purse by not carrying it at all, or carrying it and feeling guilty about it. Great choices.

And it illustrated a point that is very relevant to me right now, and I hope is either relevant to you or will be at some point. I have spent a lot of my life pretending to be someone that I am not. I grew up in the church. For much of my life there were two of me, the churchy me and the real me. The churchy me was the persona that I presented to the world when it suited my purposes. The real me was the person that I really was in my heart. She was not a pretty picture. She was full of things like rebellion, jealousy, bitterness, anger, guilt, shame and hatred. But despite being full of these things, she looked pretty good to most of the world. Upon very close inspection, she would not have fooled a person who knew what the real thing looked like. Much like a fake name-brand purse.

But God loved me too much to let me continue my life as a fake. He knew that when He got to work on my angry rebellious heart, He could transform it. And He has. I can say with conviction that the person I now present to the world is the real me, because there is just one me. That is part of the beauty of being filled by God and His mighty grace. I now have the freedom to be who I really am. It is so much more fun to rest in His approval and love, than to try and dash after those things by pleasing the people around me.

So I am going to carry around the real purse that I bought on sale with great satisfaction and pride. And as it would happen, I found a darling college student who works in the nursery at church who said she would love to have the fake Chanel. Hopefully she doesn't have the baggage that I have to go along with it. Pun intended.

Matthew 23:27-28

"Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs which indeed appear beautiful outwardly, but inside are full of dead men's bones and all uncleanness. Even so you also outwardly appear righteous to men, but inside you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness."

Psalm 86: 11-13

"Teach me you way, O LORD;
I will walk in Your Truth;
Unite my heart to fear your name.
I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart,
And I will glorify Your name forevermore.
For great is your mercy towards me,
And You have delivered my soul from the depths of Sheol."

Psalm 130: 3-8

"If You, Lord, should mark my iniquities,
O Lord, who could stand?
But there is forgiveness with You
That You may be feared.

I will wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
And in His word I do hope.
My soul waits for the Lord
More than those who watch for the morning--
Yes, more than those who watch for the morning.

O Israel, hope in the LORD;
For with the LORD there is mercy,
And with Him is abundant redemption.
And he shall redeem Israel
From all his iniquities."

Amen.