Against You, You Only, Have I Sinned

I've been in a weird place the last few weeks. You can see that my blog posts have been less than frequent lately. And I can't seem to get anything significant done on the Ruth study I am working on. I had a big breakthrough in that area a few weeks ago, and it was thrilling: I finished the first speaking session and discussion outline. But since then, nothing. I literally feel a deep resistance to working on it any further. I keep writing outlines in my head, and thinking of scripture that would be good to bring into the discussion, but I can't make myself sit down and write anything.

Last night I prayed for some clarity, and I think I got some this morning. I read Psalm 51, David's prayer of repentance after he was confronted by the prophet Nathan over his affair with Bathsheba. I was struck by David's astounding statement in Psalm 51:4,

"Against You, You only, have I sinned,
And done this evil in your sight--"

How is it possible that David can qualify his sin as being only against God? Um, what about poor Uriah? Or Bathsheba for that matter? Or David's many other wives whom he dishonored by committing adultery with Bathsheba? How about the entire nation of Israel? Didn't they get cheated by a king who acted so deceitfully and treacherously?

Yet despite all of that, it is God (only!) who David says he sinned against. Have you ever really thought about that and its implications? We think about sinning against other people all the time; gossiping or lying or cheating or stealing from someone. Or even just treating people disrespectfully or without love. Aren't all of those things sins? Aren't they sins against our neighbor? I've always assumed that they were. But the longer I think about it, the more convinced I am that David's words in Psalm 51:4 are more profound than I originally gave them credit for.

God is the one to whom we owe obedience. Every time we sin against our fellow man, we are ultimately sinning against the commands of a holy and righteous God. Our neighbor may get caught in the crossfire of our sinful actions. But come judgement day, it is not our sinned-against-neighbor who will sit in jugement of our actions. It is God. And all of our sin will be counted as offenses against His holiness and His commands.

Which brings me back around to the spiritual slump I find myself in. I've tried to think of all the reasons that I find myself in this situation. I could lay the blame on any number of things, and believe me, I've tried. But this morning, as I was reading Psalm 51, I saw something very clearly. If there is anything to blame for this thickness I am struggling to cut through, it is my sin, specifically, my sin against God.

I can't blame it on this, that or the other. I have to look straight inside at my own heart. It is a disheartening prospect (slight pun slightly intended.) I've been on the spiritual high. I've been to the peak. I've been dedicated and motivated and everything you associate with a woman who is "on fire" for God. But I don't think any of us get to stay there forever. We have, and will always have, too much natural sin remaining in us in this present flesh. There is no final escape from it until we leave this life for the better life that comes next.

Not to say that I won't get back to the peak. In fact, I'm determined to push past my natural inclinations and get back up there again. But it's hard. I have to fight myself in the process.

I don't want to stand out as strange. I don't want people to think of me as bizarre. I don't want women to walk the other way when they see me coming, because I might want to talk about something spiritual. I don't want to be constantly vigilant against pride or anger or idols or apathy creeping up on me. I'd rather just float through life, enjoying the luxurious and self-absorbed modern American lifestyle, and worry about eternity, well, right before I get there. Those are the things that I want.

Thank goodness its not all up to me. Thank goodness that God has sent me a Helper, the Holy Spirit, who lives in me and constantly transforms me from glory unto glory.

But the path to the peak has a crucial first step that you can't hop over if you ever want to get up there. Its the all-important step of repentance. And if I want to get past stalled and start moving forward again, I need to get on my face and repent.

Against You, You only, have I sinned, O God. Against you have I withheld my heart, my mind, my soul and my strength. Forgive me.

Psalm 51:1,2,12

"Have mercy upon me, O God,
According to Your lovingkindness;
According to the multitude of your tender mercies,
Blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
And cleanse me from my sin."

"Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,
And uphold me by Your generous Spirit."

Bathsheba

I thought I might start explaining a little bit more about why Bathsheba's Children is such a meaningful phrase to me. I will probably expand on the idea even more in the future.

Here it is: I am Bathsheba. And I have had children in sin and I now have children that are "Jedidiah" (beloved of the LORD). No, no, not literally. But figuratively. I never had an extramarital affair with a powerful leader, I never got pregnant with an illegitimate child, and my husband was never killed in an underhanded plot by my lover. And then I never became the wife of one of history's most revered kings. Those things I do not share with Bathsheba.

But here are some things that we do have in common. I have been blessed to be raised knowing how to behave according to God's law. For part of my life, I took that knowledge and completely ignored it, and instead did what felt right to me at the time. I then spent a lot of effort trying to hide those actions from the rest of the world (that would be my friends and family.) You see, like Bathsheba, I had a need to appear one way to the world, even though my behavior was completely different from the image I presented.

Bathsheba certainly had a more compelling motivation for secrecy than I ever did. If my sins were made public, I would not have been drug out in public, stripped naked and then stoned to death. But I would have felt very ashamed. And I know that I would have disappointed people who loved me very much.

I also produced "children" while I was in sin. These children were things like: shame, confusion, fear, duplicity and stress. Not to mention the fruit of my sins: anger, disappointment with myself, guilt, fear of discovery and feelings of worthlessness. If you have read my post entitled Heart of Stone, you may be beginning to understand why my heart was so cold. I had a lot of emotional baggage that I was trying to deny existed. If I let emotion into my heart, I would have had to feel all of those negative feelings along with whatever else. That's why it was much easier to feel very little at all.

But if you will remember the story of Bathsheba, you will remember that her first son with David died as part of God's judgment on David's disobedience. I don't really want to elaborate on that point right now, because I am still mulling over some of the implications of that event. Suffice it to say that God has also removed the "children of my sin" from my life.

It is what happens to Bathsheba next that still leaves me with tears in my eyes every time I think about it.

2 Samuel 12: 24-25

"Then David comforted Bathsheba his wife, and went in to her and lay with her. So she bore a son, and he called his name Solomon. Now the LORD loved him, and He sent word by the hand of Nathan the prophet: So he called his name Jedidiah, because of the LORD."


Here's the thing. David had lots of other wives. Any one of them could have born David's successor to the throne. But they didn't. It was BATHSHEBA that God chose to bless as the mother of the next king over his people, Israel. And it was Solomon that became the greatest, wisest, most blessed king ever to rule over God's people.

GOD DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT!!!!!!

He didn't have to choose to bless Bathsheba that way. But He did. I just cannot get over how amazing that is. She was the least deserving of David's wives. The rest may not have been perfect, but there is not Biblical evidence to suggest that they were as scandalous as Bathsheba. But SHE was the one God chose to bless with Solomon.

God chooses to bless, and greatly use, scandalous sinners like Bathsheba. And he chooses to bless, and greatly use, scandalous sinners like me, and you, too. Do you get how awesome that is?

Why does He do that? Well, one reason is that all of us are scandalous sinners whether we like to admit it or not. Believe me, 5 years ago I would have been highly offended if anyone had suggested that I was Bathsheba (despite all of the evidence that I listed above, I spent a lot of time in serious denial!) And God delights to use the weak, the least, the longest shot. (Gideon, Moses, Esther, Joshua, Matthew and especially Paul are all great examples of this.) When God uses those who are weak, they provide the best reflection of His power and glory.

But I think the biggest reason is just that He loves us so much. Think John 3:16. His love for us is so powerful and effective, that He doesn't just choose to forgive us when we sin. He turns it around and says "Guess what, my little child, watch me show off in the ways I am going to bless you. You haven't even comprehended the amazing blessings that I am waiting to pour out onto you."

Oh yes, He is that good. And oh yes, we are that undeserving.

I am going to save my "Solomon" descriptions for another post. I think that is enough for now. Here's a closing thought:

Philippians 3: 12-14

"Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

So be it Lord.

Bathsheba's What?

Bathsheba's Children. What in the world is that about? It might sound strange, but Bathsheba's children represent a profound picture of God's grace and redemption. It's an idea that I haven't been able to shake for the past six months or so. I did a Beth Moore Bible Study last Spring (that would be 2007) called "A Heart Like His" that was just excellent. It explores the the biblical account of King David, his youthful heroism, his flight from King Saul, his rise to power, his eventual disgrace in sin, his repentance and restoration with God and the various problems that his family faced as a result of his egregious sin. Well, if you remember your Sunday School lessons, you will remember that it was Bathsheba who participated in the adulterous relationship with King David that set in motion a chain of very regrettable events. A child was conceived, a cover up attempted, and before it was all over, Bathsheba's husband was murdered along with many of his fellow soldiers. And that just scratches the surface of what went wrong.

Bathsheba eventually had two children (that we know of) with King David. Their conception and the impact of their lives were drastically different. I think they offer a beautiful illustration of God's grace to scandalous sinners, like me, and like you. Bathsheba's first child was conceived in sin, secrecy and disgrace. That could have been the end of the story. But it wasn't. Bathsheba had another child, Jedidiah, also known as Solomon. Who was he? Only the greatest King ever to rule ancient Israel. Why did God choose to reward Bathsheba with such a son? Because God is better and more gracious than we can begin to imagine, that's why. And I'd like to explore that concept in-depth.