Big Britches

I have been thinking about my tendency to get "too big for my britches." It's kind of a funny thing, because I work so hard at staying humble and restraining my natural feelings of pride and self-righteousness. I'm not a total failure at doing it, but it appears that for me at least, this is a life long struggle.

Lately I have been thinking about Peter, and his triple denial of Christ. It strikes me that Peter and I might have a few things in common. I'm obviously not the rock upon which Christ has built the church, but personality-wise, me and Peter might be formed alike.

He had a tendency to get too big for his britches too. To put it in gentler terms, he sometimes made grandiose claims in the heat of the moment that he couldn't follow through with later on.

In Luke 22:33, Peter said to Jesus, "Lord, I am ready to go with You, both to prison and to death."

Less than 24 hours later, Peter did just the opposite.

Luke 22: 55-60

"Now when they had kindled a fire in the midst of the courtyard and sat down together, Peter sat among them. And a certain servant girl, seeing him as he sat by the fire, looked intently at him and said, "This man was also with Him."

But he denied Him, saying, "Woman, I do not know Him."

And after a little while another saw him and said, "You also are of them."

But Peter said, "Man, I am not!"

Then after about an hour had passed, another confidently affirmed, saying, "Surely this fellow also was with Him, for he is a Galilean."

But Peter said, "Man, I do not know what you are saying!"

The thing is, I have no doubt that when Peter claimed that he would follow Jesus to prison or death, he absolutely meant it. He wasn't saying something that he didn't believe in his heart at that moment. I've done the same thing.

"Lord, I will always be this passionate for Your glory!"

"Lord, I will always seek Your face before anything else in the world!"

"Lord, I will never be distracted from loving and serving You above all else!"

But of course, when life takes an unexpected or disappointing turn, the reality becomes much less glamorous than my momentary exuberance could possibly have expected. And like Peter, I fail to do what I so earnestly claimed I would.

You see, Peter got quite a shock when Jesus was hauled off by that band of thugs in the Garden of Gethsemane. Peter, and all of the disciples, had the wrong idea about Jesus's kingdom and His victory. They were still expecting a great military hero who would overthrow the earthly enemies of Israel and reestablish her as a mighty, victorious nation. Despite the fact that Jesus told the disciples many times that he was going to suffer and die, they just didn't get it.

So when Jesus was in the custody of the high priest, you can imagine that Peter's expectations of going to prison and death with Jesus were turning out a little differently than he thought they would. Maybe Peter thought that he would die in a glorious civil uprising, fighting alongside his Master. Or that they would be thrown into prison together and somehow defy the odds and still emerge as the victors.

But little did Peter imagine, in all of the scenarios he could conjure up, that Jesus was going to blindfolded and beaten, mocked, scorned and spit upon, by the very men Peter imagined that Jesus was going to defeat.

And in the disappointment of this reality, Peter failed. He denied the very One whom he had so passionately claimed he would never deny.

But, you see, there is more to the story than just Peter's failure. Jesus knew ahead of time that Peter was making claims that he wasn't going to fulfill. He saw ahead to Peter's denial of him, and He even told Peter that it was going to happen.

Luke 22:34

"Then He said, I tell you, Peter, the rooster shall not crow this day before you will deny three times that you know me."

And even more than foreseeing the event, Jesus comforted Peter before the denial had even taken place.

Luke 22:31

"And the Lord said, "Simon, Simon! Indeed Satan has asked for you, that he may sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, that your faith should not fail; and when you have returned to Me, strengthen your brethren." (emphasis mine)

Look at what Jesus says. He has prayed for Peter, and when, not if, but when Peter returns to Him, He will be equipped to strengthen his brethren.

Do you suppose that a man of big-britches claims is very encouraging to a struggling, distraught brethren? I don't tend to think so. I can only imagine that if I were always in a state of big-britches boasting, I wouldn't be very encouraging to my fellow brethren at all. It would be hard to relate to a sister in Christ who is experiencing the real disappointments and pain of life, if I always lived in the place of sheer happiness in the Lord.

You should know, I don't. I go through peaks and valleys in my walk with God. Once, I spent over a year on the mountain top. It was the best year of my life. But I'm afraid that all that high-mountain living brought our some pretty big britches claims from me. I kind of thought that I would always be 'high.' That it was the natural result of my faithfulness and dedication in seeking God.

But in reality, life threw a disappointment at me. Things didn't go as I imagined they would. Like Peter, my expectations of fighting for the Lord turned out differently than I thought. And before long, I ended up in a valley, in a place of denying the very claims I had so boldly made.

God knew I was going to do that. When I was making my big claims, He already knew I was going to fail. But that's OK. He knew I needed some humbling, some ability to relate, some equipping in order to strengthen my brethren. It was for my own good, and hopefully for the good of those around me as well.

I really want to get back to that place of 'highness' with God. There really is nothing better in all of life. If you have ever been there you know what I am talking about. Nothing, nothing, nothing even begins to compare to the delight of that 'place.'

But perhaps I will cherish it all the more next time, knowing that it is a gift not meant to be permanently sustained in this life.

Even Paul, who was temporarily caught up into the ecstasy of Heaven, was given a thorn in his flesh immediately afterward. Maybe a person who is very naturally humble can handle the headiness of God's fullness without getting too big for his or her britches. But I am not that person.

For me, I suspect it must come and go.

It has been 'going' lately. But I am not discouraged. Because I know that Jesus is praying for me, just as He does for all the saints, and the Holy Spirit is making intercessions for me that I cannot even comprehend to ask for myself, since I don't know how to pray as I ought.

And because of those things, my faith will not fail.

No Sign Will Convince You

I noticed an interesting contrast in Scripture the other day, and it got me to thinking about miracles and such. Consider the different reactions that Jesus inspired, first from demons, and then from His own disciples.

Mark 1:23-25

"Now there was a man in their synagogue with an unclean spirit. And he cried out saying, "Let us alone! What have we to do with You, Jesus of Nazareth? Did you come to destroy us? I know who You are--the Holy one of God!"

But Jesus rebuked him, saying, "Be quiet, and come out of him.""

That demon knew exactly who Jesus was. He named Jesus as the "Holy one of God." By the way, I found an interesting point about that particular title by reading through some commentary about these verses. Apparently that was the same title that is given to the high priest in Exodus 28:36, to be inscribed on a gold plate and worn by him on his forehead. (What an outfit that must have been!)

But let's not get sidetracked...

Don't overlook that Jesus commands the demon to be quiet. He does the exact same thing a few verses later when He is healing a crowd of sick people and casting out "many demons."

Mark 1:34

"Then He healed many who were sick with various diseases, and cast out many demons; and He did not allow the demons to speak, because they knew Him."

Again, the demons knew and identified Jesus on sight. This happens a third time in Mark 5:6, when Jesus encounters a demon possessed man in the land of Gadarenes.

Mark 5:6

"When he saw Jesus from afar, he ran and worshiped Him. And he cried out with a loud voice and said, "What have I to do with you, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? I implore You by God that You do not torment me."

Now fast forward to Mark chapter 6. Jesus has been with His disciples for some time by now. They have even witnessed the following miracles firsthand: the healing of multitudes of people from all sorts of diseases, casting out of demons, the calming of the wind and waves at the command of Jesus, a girl brought back to life, and the feeding of thousands of people from five loaves of bread and two fish. One would be tempted to think that these disciples would have figured out that Jesus was, well, God, or something like that, by this point.

But almost immediately after Jesus feeds thousands of people with five loaves and two fish, He sends His disciples away from Him in a boat and stays on shore to pray. Sometime in the middle of the night, Jesus decides to join the disciples in the boat. The wind is blowing hard and the disciples are straining at the oars, trying to row against the wind. Jesus walks out on the water to join them.

But the disciples reacted sort of badly to this sight.

Mark 6:49,50

"And when they saw Him walking on the sea, they supposed it was a ghost, and cried out; for they all saw Him and were troubled."

But here is the kicker. Remember that the demons knew exactly who Jesus was immediately upon seeing him. He didn't perform any miracles to prove himself to the demons. They just KNEW who He was without question. But the disciples? Here is how they reacted to seeing Jesus walk on the water:

Mark 6:51,52

"And they were greatly amazed in themselves beyond measure, and marveled. For they had not understood about the loaves, because their heart was hardened."

They didn't get it. They didn't understand. They were still in awe and marveling at the power of Jesus, even after He had performed so many miracles right under their noses. You might even say that signs and miracles were insufficient to convince their "hardened hearts."

So let me ask you a question. What kind of miracle are you waiting for? Does Jesus need to show you some kind of sign before you will "know" Him? There is pretty good reason to believe that you still won't believe God, even after He does give you a miracle or a sign, if He chooses to do so.

Consider the story of Lazarus and the rich man found in Luke 16.

Lazarus is a poor, miserable beggar who is ignored by the rich man whose gate he lays at, longing for the crumbs from the rich man's table. Both of them die and go to their respective places. Lazarus, the beggar, goes to "Abraham's bosom." The rich man goes to the "torments in Hades." The rich man begs Abraham to send Lazarus back from the dead to testify to the members of his family who are still alive. But the response that Abraham gives to the rich man is pretty chilling.

Luke 16:29-31

"Abraham said to him, "They have Moses and the prophets; let them hear them." And he said, "No, father Abraham, but if one goes to them from the dead, they will repent." But he said to him, "If they do not hear Moses and the prophets, neither will they be persuaded though one rise from the dead.""

Did you catch that? Abraham tells the rich man that even if a person were to rise from the dead and warn the family members who were still alive, they would not believe. If they don't believe the prophets and Moses, then even a spirit sent to testify from the grave will be unconvincing.

The truth is that no miracle or sign or even a wonder from heaven will convince a hardened heart. Only God has the power to change a heart. So stop asking for a sign. Ask God to soften your heart instead. Because a hard heart plus a miracle still equals unbelief.

Matthew 16:4

"A wicked and adulterous generation seeks after a sign, and no sign shall be given to it except the sign of the prophet Jonah."

But What If...

As a Christian, have you ever had one of those moments when the thought hits you like a ton of bricks, "What if all of this is not true? What if it's just made up?"

I haven't been hit by that particular ton of bricks lately, but it has happened before. And it's likely to happen again. Fortunately, it doesn't take too much effort for me to resolve the issue. Pretty much, I just look at the nearest tree. Or, baring the availability of a tree, I glance up at the sky. And Psalm 19 immediately comes to mind.

Psalm 19: 1-4

The heavens declare the glory of God; And the firmament shows His handiwork.
Day unto day utters speech, And night unto night reveals knowledge.
There is no speech nor language Where their voice is not heard.
Their line has gone out through all the earth, And their words to the end of the world.

What the Psalmist is saying, in much prettier words than I could come up with, is that the very existance of creation makes the existance of a Creator obvious. And every single person, of every single language, in every single location in the entire world, knows it. Even those who might exist at the ends of the world, far away from the written language of Scripture or the organized nature of church, are aware that God exists. In fact, the sky, and the arch of the sky (that would be the firmament) not only speak to the existance of God, but they declare His glory. (Chill bumps!) Every single day, and every single night, creation "speaks" and "reveals" knowledge; specific knowledge: knowledge of God's existance and glory. (Chill bumps again!)

Rom 1:20

"For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse" (emphasis mine)

Here in Romans, the Bible gets even more specific. Not only does creation declare that God exists, but now we see that the "things that are made" understand what is being said.

So why do some persist in disbelieving? Paul goes on in the next verse of Romans to give us an explanation.

Rom 1:21

"because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened."

Foolish, darkened hearts. That's the simple answer. The complicated answer involves a lot more than foolish, darkened hearts. But, I'm content to let Paul's words stand as he wrote them, because, although simple, they are vividly true.

It seems to me that I always have these flashes of doubt when I am riding around in my car, thinking. It makes me wonder where people went to do their serious thinking before cars were invented. For a walk maybe, or sitting in a rocking chair? Perhaps while staring into the leaping flames of a fire? It doesn't matter, I suppose. I do my serious thinking while driving to the grocery store. Which is probably a good thing. Because, while I am gripping the steering wheel of my car, another verse comes to mind and shuts down the argument completely.

2 Peter 3:10,11

"But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night, in which the heavens will pass away with a great noise, and the elements will melt with fervent heat; both the earth and the works that are in it will be burned up. Therefore, since all these things will be dissolved, what manner of persons ought you to be in holy conduct and godliness," (emphasis mine)

I think that my car falls into the catagory of the "works" that are in the earth. And according to 2 Peter, my car is going to melt, or better yet, dissolve. That kind of puts things in perspective. Truth of God? Lasts forever. Steering wheel of my car? Melting like cheese on a hot burger.

And so, my friends, I can drive on with a light heart. It is real. All of it.

Christian, What Do You Believe?

There are all sorts of Christians in the world. We come under many banners, ascribe to various theories, and the "flavors" of belief we offer are almost endless. Which, nowadays, is not necessarily such a bad thing. A few hundered years ago you were liable to get yourself burned at the stake, or worse, if you happened to fall on the wrong side of a doctrinal issue. The right side, of course, was determined by whoever happened to be in power at the moment.

But one problem that arises from all of this diversity of thought and theology is this: Who can really be called a Christian, and who is disqualified from taking that label based on what they believe?

It can get sort of thorny. Are Mormons Christians? I don't agree that they are, but I think there are many Mormons who would take issue with me. Perhaps some non-Mormons as well.

One particularly distasteful (to me) breed of Christian thought goes something like this: My beliefs and my theology are perfect. Everyone else is totally wrong. And not only are they wrong, but they probably aren't even real Christians to begin with, because they don't see points x, y and z the same way I do.

Please don't misunderstand me. I believe that there is truth, and that God has revealed Himself to us in Scripture, and that Scripture is able to be discerned and its truths understood. But some topics are just plain gray. And some Christians, altough I would never argue that they are insincere, are wrong. But they are still Christians regardless.

So where are the boundary lines that determine what is essential and what is debatable? Well, far be it from me to consider myself smart enough to grasp all of the intricate ins and outs of that question. But, I'd like to offer you a tool that has been very helpful to me in determining what should be considered Christianity, and what is another religion altogether. It's called the Apostle's Creed.

Some of you know it by heart and have grown up repeating it out loud in church services. Others of you might be familiar with it, and even know it by heart, but rarely, if ever, used it in public worship. And to some of you, it might be brand new. So here it is:

The Apostle's Creed

I believe in God the Father almighty, Creator of heaven and earth. I believe in Jesus Christ, His only begotten Son, our Lord; He was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the virgin Mary; suffered under Pontius Pilot, was crucified, dead, and buried; He descended into hell; On the third day He arose from the dead; He ascended into heaven, and sits on the right hand of God the Father almighty; from there He will come to judge the living and the dead. I believe in the Holy Spirit; I believe a holy catholic Christian church, the communion of saints; the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body; and the life everlasting.

If a person can claim all of the elements of the Apostle's Creed, we should consider them to be a Christian. Their particular denomination might do things, or believe some things, that are different than our own denomination. But we are all Christians. And we need to keep that in mind.

I know I have been guilty in the past of thinking that my understanding of Scripture was so superior to other's understanding that it made me wonder if they were even really saved. I don't feel that way anymore. And I'm sort of ashamed that I ever did. I mean, when did God make Hadassah the judge of anyone else's salvation. He didn't.

Like I said before, I do think truth matters. And I happen to be convinced that my own beliefs are absolutly true, or else I wouldn't believe them. But you and I can disagree about all sorts of things, that don't happen to be part of the Apostle's Creed, and still embrace each other as fellow saints and believers.

Now, if you start trying to tell me that Jesus wasn't raised from the dead, or something like that, then... Houston...we have a problem. Or should I say, a chance for me to convince you of the truth?

Oh yeah, one more thing. Many thanks go to the Red & Black Redneck for inspiring this post. He will probably claim credit anyway. So thanks dear!

Justified by Faith

Galatians 5:13

"For you, brethren, have been called to liberty; only do not use liberty as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another."


Some years ago, my husband and I participated in a couples Bible study on the book of Galatians. I believe it was a series based on the work of Tim Keller. Anyway, I have this verse (the one above) underlined in my Bible, and in the margin, I wrote the words, "we are free to not be centered on ourselves."

As I looked at my note in the margin last night, I thought, "Huh? What does that mean?" I bet you have done the same thing, wondering what thought process caused you to write a word or a phrase in your Bible. Or maybe it's just me?

Anyway, it got me thinking. What does it actually mean to be "free to not be centered on ourselves" and what does that have to do with "through love serve one another." I think I've reconnected the dots, so to speak, and you might enjoy following along the mental journey I engaged in to complete the picture.

It all has to do with the concept of faith as it relates to our justification. Now, justification is just a fancy word that means being declared righteous before God. We are all born as sinners before God. (Psalm 51:5) And in order to receive salvation, we must be declared righteous before God, or in other words, we must be justified. According to Galatians 2:16, "a man is not justified by the works of the law but by faith in Jesus Christ...that we might be justified by faith in Christ and not by the works of the law; for by the works of the law no flesh shall be justified."

This is a huge concept. What Paul is saying is that there are no rules or laws which we can keep in order for God to see us as righteous. The only way that we will ever be declared righteous before God is through faith in Jesus Christ. I could spend my entire life doing wonderful, charitable deeds; and come Judgment Day, God would still spit me out of His mouth if I did not have the one thing required to be justified: faith in Christ Jesus.

This is such a freeing truth that its importance can not be minimized. So many people, Christians included, have this notion that we are pleasing to God, and receive our salvation (or keep it) based on the things that we do or don't do. Paul is adamantly denying any such thing.

Now, you will never hear me say that keeping God's law doesn't matter. It matters a great deal. But it doesn't have anything to do with earning salvation. The importance of keeping God's law is a topic for another day. Suffice it to say that the law is still vital.

So, keeping that in mind, how should one react to this amazing concept of justification through faith? If we don't bear the burden of earning our salvation, than what are we to do?

Well, according to Galatians 5:13, we should, "through love serve one another." Allow me to illustrate what I mean by describing two different understandings of justification.

First, imagine that you believe it is up to you to make yourself righteous before God. You have a sense that if you are just "good" enough, then in the end you will make it to Heaven. Or perhaps you think that you have salvation, but it is up to you to keep it by obeying certain laws and rules. First of all, where is humility in either of those scenarios? But, more importantly, if you believe that you are earning or working towards something, than what do you suppose would motivate you to serve others? Would you be serving out of love? Probably not. When you get to the heart of the matter, you would probably be serving others, or doing "good" things, out of your own self-interest. (If I do xyz, then God will find me righteous.)


Contrast that with a person who knows that she is already declared righteous before God. This person knows that nothing can ever separate her from the love of Christ. She is therefore, free from the burden of working out her own salvation, and liberated to serve others out of genuine love, rather than self-interest.

In others words, as my Bible note declares, she would be, "free to not be centered on (herself)."

And the key to all of this working the way it should, is understanding that we are justified, or declared righteous, before God by our faith. Nothing else. Period. End of story.

Galatians 5:1

"Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage."

Death Be Not Proud

John Donne's famous poem, Death Be Not Proud, expresses exactly what I have been thinking about all day. Because just as Christ rose from the grave, in a bodily resurrection, so will we all who have faith in Him.

"Death be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so"

Or how about the Corinthians 15:55?

"O death, where is your sting, O grave where is your victory?"

We spend a lot of time at Easter thinking about Christ's crucifixion and resurrection, and justifiably so. But I'm not sure I have ever heard an Easter sermon that elaborated on the fact that because Jesus rose again from the dead, we will as well. Imagine the comfort of that. Of knowing that your loved one, if he or she belonged to Christ, will rise up in a glorified body one day. Of realizing that even more than ascending to Heaven to be in the presence of God, there will be a time when each of God's children will be given a new incorruptible body that will never die.

1 Corinthians 15:13

"But if there is no resurrection of the dead, neither has Christ been raised."

Stated in the positive, what that verse means is if Christ was resurrected from the dead, than so will we all be resurrected from the dead.

1 Thessalonians 4:13-14

"But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus."

Don't be confused by the word sleep in that verse, it is just a way of referring to death that was common among the people who lived at that time.

The point of this blog has never been to frighten people with the prospect of Hell, but I feel like today is an appropriate time to mention the reality of its existence. I'm like most of you. The idea of it makes me very uncomfortable. I feel a strong urge to cover up the stark reality of Hell. It just seems too naked to trot out in polite company sometimes. But you should know that the Bible is explicitly clear about its very real existence.

Matthew 25 talks about God separating the sheep (believers) from the goats (non-believers), and in verse 46, their respective fates are summed up this way.

"And these (the goats) shall go away into everlasting punishment, but the righteous into everlasting life."

The words in parenthesis are mine.

So as we wind up this Easter weekend, take heart, fellow Christian. Death has been defeated. It has lost its ability to terrorize and consume us. Again in the words of John Donne,

"One short sleep past, we wake eternally
And death shall be no more, death, thou shalt die."

I seriously couldn't have said it better myself.

And the Peace of God....

Philippians 4:6-7

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present you requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I said that verse at least 217 times to myself on Friday. It began to rain, very heavily, for a many hours on end. And the weather radar showed only more heavy rain headed straight for my area. To understand why this distressed me, you must realize that my house is only a few feet away from a small creek.

Well, it is only small when the weather is normal. When we get a lot of rain, all bets are off. By Friday night, I had white water rapids about 10 feet from where I sit and post all of these entries to my blog.

At several points during the evening, I seriously asked God what the difference was between being anxious and having a healthy dose of panic when confronted with a potentially dangerous situation. Because the only way I felt anything like the "peace that transcends all understanding" was when I remembered that everything in my home, all that I have, all my stuff, all my treasures--were just things. And they didn't really matter all that much. Even if my whole house was swept away by a flood, God would take care of me.

But I'll be honest, I was having a hard time reminding myself that all my "things" didn't really matter when my husband's car was about to be swamped by the river that had once been my driveway. Sigh. I just want all of you to know that I am not perfect. I am a normal person just like you. I am susceptible to the normal ups and downs of any relationship, including my relationship to God. That does not mean I am defeated in anything, it just means I have to work harder sometimes to get the desired result.

One of my worst nightmares is for someone to read this blog, or even just know me as a person, and credit my happiness and joy to having some kind of perfect life. Believe me, I don't. But I have grace, and I have Christ, and they are much better than a perfect life (or in this particular example, perfectly unruffled trust.)




This is normally my driveway. Don't miss those plastic buckets and tubs floating away. You can't get a sense of it from this picture, but the water was flowing very quickly through here. It was also just starting to rain heavily again, as you can see by the raindrops.

The back garage, which my husband uses as a woodworking shop, underwater. And that small vegetable garden you see on the left, with the plastic tarp behind it, is usually about a foot above the ground.

I know this picture is kind of dim, but this is my backyard, completely level with the creek that runs next to our house. Yes, that is whitewater you see in the middle of the picture, right between my camellias.




See my nice outdoor furniture cushions floating toward the back of this pond/backyard? And don't miss the garden hose floating through the center of the picture.



Before my husband came home and opened up this back gate, clearing away a bunch of debris, the hinge at the top was bent by the pressure of the water trying to push through.


Oh, we are all fine and dried out by the way. Thanks for asking! And despite the ominous predictions of the weather radar, it did stop raining before my actual house was flooded. Whew! Believe me, we were praying really hard.

The Measure of My Days

Psalm 39:4-6

"LORD, make me to know my end,
And what is the measure of my days,
That I may know how frail I am.
Indeed, You have made my days as handbreadths,
And my age is nothing before you;
Certainly every man at his best state is but a vapor.
Surely every man walks about like a shadow;
Surely they busy themselves in vain;
He heaps up riches,
And does not know who will gather them."

The past four years of my life have been nothing short of revolutionary. So much has changed in me and about me that I would be hard pressed to detail all of it in any format that you would be willing to read. That is how much change there has been.

I'm planning to share my testimony next month in my MOPS group, and because of that I have spent a lot of time thinking about what, exactly, precipitated all of this change in my life. The big answer or course, is that God is responsible for all of it. But God has used circumstances and events to shape and mold me, because that is often how He chooses to operate. He could have thought change toward me, and it certainly would have happened. But instead, He chose the messy way--pulling me through things I would never have chosen for myself. If I were to look backward, I would see two long ruts along the way. Those would be the heels that I dug into the ground in resistance to God's shaping and pulling. But guess who prevailed? And thank goodness.

If I had to pinpoint just one thing that dramatically impacted my relationship with God, and thus my entire being, it would be the day I glimpsed my own death, and kept breathing. Now, I'll admit that I am being a tad dramatic, but not entirely. The day my first child was born, I could easily have died. If God had not graciously orchestrated events to unfold exactly as they did, it is not unreasonable to suppose that I would have bled to death.

I won't go into all of the details here and now, but suffice it to say that I suddenly and totally unexpectedly began to hemorrhage while my husband and I were on a road trip. A hospital was less than 15 minutes away when I started to bleed. But if I had convinced my husband to stop and eat lunch when I wanted to, we could have been much farther from help. God is certainly a God of details.

I have thought for a long time that it was the horrible months that followed that particular day that brought about great change. And there is no question that they did. But in retrospect, I think it was an awareness of the measure of my days, and the inherent frailty involved in that, that caused me to see this life as so passing, so transitory, like a shadow and a vapor. Tied up in that realization is a letting go of the things that I used to spend so much time, energy and emotion pursuing.

This letting go, did not happen easily or even very quickly. But it began on the day that I saw for the first time, with startling clarity, and unavoidable certainty, that my days are as handbreadths. I no longer want to busy myself in vain. I want to busy myself with things that matter, things that are true, and things that are eternal.

If I had died that day, I know that I would have gone to Heaven, because I was already a Christian, and had been for almost all of my life. But I had never done anything in this life, besides believing God, that would have eternal consequences.

But I didn't die. My days were not finished, they were given new meaning. I want them to matter. I want them to matter more than anything I have ever wanted before. Not because I want or seek anything for myself, but because I want to glorify God. I want to serve Him. Here is my heart's desire:

Psalm 40:7-10

"In the scroll of the book it is written of me.
I delight to do Your will, O my God,
And Your law is within my heart.

I have proclaimed the good news of righteousness
In the great assembly;
Indeed, I do not restrain my lips,
O LORD, You Yourself know.
I have not hidden Your righteousness within my heart;
I have declared Your faithfulness and Your salvation;
I have not concealed Your lovingkindness and Your truth
From the great assembly."

I'll admit--sometimes this newfound passion frightens me. Sometimes I wonder if I am on the verge of becoming that woman that people avoid or find obnoxious. I have no desire to be that kind of woman. But listen, if that is what God has in store for me in order to bring Him glory, show me the dotted line. My pen is poised and ready.

Heavy Stuff

I've had a question running around in my head for well over a year now. It's one of those things that I think about from time to time, but I don't have a good answer for, so eventually I just give up and think about something else. I always figured that I would eventually run across a scripture that would clarify it for me. Well, I did find a scripture that clarified things, some, but it still makes my head hurt to think about it too long.

Here is the question--Does God use our sin to accomplish His plan? The question seems deceptively simple, but it isn't a simple idea at all!

First, consider that God is sovereign, completely sovereign. There is nothing that happens which God does not allow. To accept this idea, you have to accept that God allows sin. But why in the world would God allow sin if He is holy? Well, the answer is that somehow it all works together for the glory of God. That is the correct answer anyway, but it still leaves me wondering sometimes. This is a great example of a question that I don't think humanity has the ability to understand. What I mean is, not only could we fail to understand the entire answer, if we had access to it, but I don't even think we can understand the question well enough to really ask it. Try not to think about that last sentence too long. I guarantee you will get a headache.

So, back to my original question, does God use our sin to accomplish His plan? I think, tentatively, that I must answer with a "Yes!"

I found my answer in the book of Judges. Now, if you have not read the book of Judges recently, I highly recommend it. I've had my heart broken several times in the past week reading the book of Judges. Not boring at all.

Let me set this up for you. Samson is regarded as one of the greatest judges of Israel. For more on him, consult your Bible, I can't even begin to tell his whole story here. (By the way, I always thought that the judges of Israel were, like, judges. But no, they were warriors, not men who wore long robes and handed down legal opinions--one of those facts I don't remember hearing about in Sunday School!)

So, being the great judge, you would expect that he led a pretty upstanding and moral life. Well, you would be expecting wrong. One of the first instances we hear about regarding Samson is that he sought to marry a Philistine. Yes, that is right, a foreign woman who worshiped idols. Specifically, the god Dagon. Marrying foreign women was explicitly against God's expressed law.

But, nonetheless, Samson had taken a fancy to a Philistine woman, and he determined to marry her. He went to his parents (who by all accounts seemed to be righteous people) and asked that they obtain this Philistine woman as a wife for him. His parents try to talk him out of it.

OK, now here is the verse that blew me out of the water:

Judges 14:4

"But his mother and father did not know that it was of the LORD--that He was seeking an occasion to move against the Philistines."

Well, put that in your pipe and smoke on it for a minute. Did I read that right? God was using Samson's sinful and wrong desire to marry a foreign wife to accomplish His plan? The implications of that are mind-numbing. What does that mean for you and me and our sin?

I'm not sure I can fully answer that question. What I can say is this--God is holy, and God is sovereign. If those two things don't seem to go together to you, join the club. I can't wrap my mind around it either. But, I do believe both things. I hope to someday understand fully, but I don't have any expectation of it happening in this lifetime.

Ephesians 1:11

"In Him also we have obtained an inheritance, being predestined according to the purpose of Him who works all things according to the counsel of His will,"


The italics added is mine, for emphasis. He works all things according to the counsel of His will. I believe that even includes my sin, and yours too. But as a caution, consider Romans 6:1

"What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Certainly not!"

Oh, this post is already too long. I think a whole book could be written about this topic, and probably several already have. But in a nutshell what does all of this mean? Here is my opinion. (Note the word opinion, by the way)

God is gracious to allow even our sins to become part of His ultimate design. The only reason this can happen is because God Himself, as Jesus, paid for the burden of our sin. Otherwise, we would all be doomed. On a personal level, this means that my sins--even the really big, ugly ones, have some greater good that can come out of them. Now, how is that for a gracious God? Pretty gracious if you ask me.

Psalm 103:8

"The LORD is merciful and gracious, Slow to anger, and abounding in mercy."

Seek My Face

Psalm 27:4

"One thing I have desired of the LORD,
That will I seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the LORD
All the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of the LORD,
And to inquire in his temple."

Psalm 27:7-10

"Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice!
Have mercy also upon me, and answer me.
When you said, "Seek My face,"
My heart said to You, "Your face, LORD, I will seek."
Do not hide Your face from me;
Do not turn Your servant away in anger;
You have been my help;
Do not leave me nor forsake me,
O God of my salvation.
When my father and my mother forsake me,
Then the LORD will take care of me."

This Psalm means so much to me right now, as in this exact moment that I am typing this on my computer. My spirit is feeling so troubled, and has been for about 2 weeks now. There are plenty of reasons for it, I could just take my pick and make this post about any of them, really. But one thing has been weighing on my heart tonight, and I feel like this Psalms addresses it perfectly.

About a year ago, it was as if God did command me to seek His face. I don't mean that He appeared to me or communicated to me in some mysterious or supernatural way. He just grabbed my attention, completely and consumingly. He fueled a desire in my heart to seek Him with passion. And I did. Just like in the Psalm. My heart said, "Your face, LORD, I will seek." And the result of that seeking of God's face has been abundant blessing. I have written in other posts about how I feel like God has poured the Spirit out onto me. I was unprepared for how profound it would be. I feel like a different person, an alien, a strange duck, set apart, lifted above, all those things. And it is awesome. It is amazingly awesome. I don't ever want to lose it or go back to being just another pew sitting, powerless church-goer.

And I know that God will be faithful to me. I know He has not poured Himself out on me just to abandon me and leave me. But I feel like I am about to be tossed to some wolves. I really do feel like I am about to be uprooted and tossed out into the wastelands.

Here's why: we are changing churches. I don't want to. My husband does. And there is no way that we can go to different churches. And he is the one who gets to decide this issue. I'm not open to debate about that. He just is.

He doesn't really want to change churches either. But he has gotten to the point where he doesn't see any other way to deal with the situation. I'm not going to give you the details. That is not what this post is about.

But I have no confidence in the church we are going to start attending. We went there as newlyweds, and I was spiritually starved.

That is why the words in Psalm 27 are so powerful. "Do not hide Your face from me." "Do not leave me nor forsake me, O God of my salvation."


"Do not leave me nor forsake me,
O God of my salvation.
When my father and my mother forsake me,
Then the LORD will take care of me."

O LORD! Take care of me. I don't want to be forsaken.

Blind Faith

I happen to drive a very large vehicle. I also happen to have a very small garage in which to park my vehicle. I also have a fairly narrow driveway, which further complicates getting that big vehicle inside the small garage. But I do it every single day, most days more than one time.

When we first moved into this house, it was a real challenge. I didn't even think it was possible for me to get the big ole thing in the garage at all. But somebody showed me how to do it, and I believed it could be done. So I started practicing. At first it took several tries to make it into the garage. I would have to pull forward, brake, back up, stop, check my mirrors, pull forward and back up again until I finally got it right.

But over time it really did get easier. I started to notice certain points that I had to get just right, and if I did, then my car would slide almost effortlessly into the garage. Whenever I have friends in the car with me, they are amazed that I can park it so easily. Because it really does seem effortless now. But that is certainly not how it started out. I have white stripes on each side of my car to prove it. (My garage is painted white!)

Last night I got home late, after dark. It was pouring down rain. I could barely see out my windshield. But even in that downpour, I didn't even think about it. I had practiced so many times that I just parked that humongous car in that tiny garage with hardly a thought.

It got me thinking that faith is a lot like that. It seems so hard at first, maybe even impossible. We read the Bible, and through it God tells us to trust Him, believe Him, love Him, have faith in Him. But trusting and having faith can be huge challenges. It takes practice. It takes trusting Him in small things, seeing them through and then trusting Him again in the next instance. And after a while, you find that even in the downpour, even in the blinding, furious storm, you can trust Him. You can do it effortlessly. You hardly even have to think about it. It just comes naturally. Kinda like when I backed that monster sized vehicle through that narrow garage door last night.

Ephesians 3:16-17

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith."

Entreat Me Not to Leave You

This is one of the most beautiful expressions in the Old Testament, in my opinion. You will often hear it read at weddings, and although the original context has nothing to do with a husband and wife, the statement is so lovely, I can understand why it is done.

Ruth 1:15-18

"And she said, "Look, your sister-in-law has gone back to her people and to her gods, return after your sister-in-law." But Ruth said:

"Entreat me not to leave you,
Or to turn back from following after you;
For wherever you go, I will go;
And wherever you lodge, I will lodge;
Your people shall be my people,
And your God, my God.
Where you die, I will die,
And there will I be buried.
The LORD do so to me, and more also,
If anything but death parts you and me."

When she saw that she was determined to go with her, she stopped speaking to her."

First of all, WHEW!, I could read that and just cry over the beauty of it. What a precious promise to make to another woman, the woman who is in essence, your own mother.

But stepping back from the beauty of it for a moment, I started wondering about the practical reasons why Ruth might feel so strongly about staying with her mother-in-law. Certainly it is possible that Ruth had deep and profound love for Naomi. In fact, I think it is pretty clear that she did feel that way. But perhaps there was more to the story that is not recorded in the Biblical account.

Maybe Ruth came from a family that she did not want to go back to. Maybe they were cruel people. Maybe Ruth and her mother did not get along. Maybe Ruth's father was an overbearing and demeaning man. Perhaps they were very poor and she did not want to become a burdensome mouth for her mother to feed. It could be any number of reasons.

Think for a moment about what a dramatic decision Ruth was making. She was leaving her country of origin, her home where she belonged and had roots. She was leaving all of the comforts of familiarity to travel to a foreign land, where she would not only be a stranger, she would be unprovided for and vulnerable. Women really needed the protection of a husband or a father in that time. And she was not traveling to Bethlehem with any of that assurance. She was risking so much to follow Naomi to a place of uncertainty.

I'm not trying to take anything away from Ruth by suggesting that she had more motive than just love for Naomi. Like I said, that could stand alone as the sole motivation for the decision she made. But there is a part of me that suspects there was more going on in Ruth's life. And I think it is an important thing to consider.

Clearly, God had a perfect and beautiful purpose for bringing Ruth to Bethlehem and ultimately to Boaz. He has a perfect and beautiful purpose for each of His children. But God uses circumstances that we just see as ordinary every day life, or mundane insignificant details, or the way things just "happened" to work out, to bring about His plans for us. It is so tempting to look back at the lives of the people who's stories are recorded in the Old Testament and forget that they were real people just like us. They had all kinds of motivations and circumstances in their lives that God used to bring about His plan, and ultimately, His glory. Things were not happening in their lives by chance or accident. But they probably didn't see it that way as they were living through the day to day details of it.

Maybe Ruth's mother was dead, and her father had remarried a woman who held Ruth in contempt and was jealous of her beauty. That might not seem like a circumstance divinely laid out by God, but it certainly would accomplish His plan. That plan being to get Ruth to Bethlehem, hence to Boaz, and more importantly, into the lineage of Jesus Christ, God's Son.

The point I hope I am making is this:

Everything in our lives is part of God's plan for us. He is totally sovereign over ever single detail. Even the things that make no sense to us, or seem too insignificant to be of any consequence are part of God's plan for our lives.

I can look back at my own life and see decisions that I made, which seemed very small at the time, but resulted in huge changes later on. For instance, I can trace back the way I met my husband to being at a party, and being offended by something a particular woman said, and deciding that I didn't want to be part of her circle of friends. That small thing led to another thing, which led to other things, which ultimately led me to meeting the man that God intended for me to marry. When that first woman left a bad taste in my mouth, the last thing on my mind was that her obnoxious behavior was going to lead me to holy matrimony.

That is why when I look at the story of Ruth, I wonder what else was happening in her life that motivated her to make the decision she did. I don't think it takes anything away from her to consider her story in that light. After all, I believe that she was a very real person, who lived in a real life, and experienced that life just like any other person would. Things were happening to her that she couldn't see the end result of. I'm sure that the exact same thing is happening to me, and to you, right now, today. Don't miss God's hand in your life because it seems mundane. Sometimes His plan is in the mundane, because that is how we experience life. And God has intentionally set out to make Himself known in ways that we can experience! The instances of God appearing personally to someone, or even sending one of His angels to announce His plan are pretty rare when compared to the unknown multitudes of people whose lives He has laid out in intimate detail.

So don't be discouraged! Even when we can't see the end result God can. And believe me, nothing that we can do is going to mess up God's plan. It just doesn't work that way. He is totally in charge all of the time. I don't know about you, but I find that very comforting.

Ancient of Days

This is a total ripoff of some of Beth Moore's material from Breaking Free (the Bible Study, not the book.) My study groups are in week 4 right now, and one of the things we discussed today was God as the Ancient of Days. There was a sentence in the lesson that was a very minor part of the overall point, but I just loved it.

"He's never had a wink of sleep, and nothing has been hidden from His sight."

Me, I miss more than a wink or two and I am a total disaster. I just do not do well with sleep deprivation. It makes me grumpy and short tempered and predisposed to see the worst in every situation. Thankfully, God is NOT like us.

He created sleep, rest, and periods of restoration for our benefit, because we need them. But He does not. God is in charge all of the time, from everlasting to everlasting. What a wonderful thing. God is not just with me today. He is the Ancient of Days.

This is another point I need to put in my list of things to remind myself when I start struggling with doubt.

That's all for today. I am in serious need of some extra winks.

I'll close with one of the sweetest verses that I have come across to describe true Christian brotherhood and sisterhood. Not because it really has anything to do with the Ancient of Days, but just because I like it so much.

Philippians 4:1

"Therefore, my beloved and longed for brethren, my joy and my crown, so stand fast in the Lord, beloved."

Don't Tell My Heart...

...my achy breaky heart. OK, I'm really sorry about that. I really am very sorry for reminding you of that horrible line from that horrible song. If you have no idea what I am referring to, then consider yourself blessed.

But I was thinking about "the heart" earlier this week and that song popped into my head. And in a weird way, the sentiment of the chorus of that song could almost describe the very thing I was thinking about. Bear with me and allow me to quote some of the rest of that song. It's been a really long time since I heard it, so don't hold me to a word for word recitation.

Don't tell my heart, my achy breaky heart,
I just don't think he'd understand.
Cause if you tell my heart, my achy breaky heart,
he might blow up and kill this man.

I promise I won't quote that song anymore for the rest of this post! But the general idea of it, that our heart a) doesn't understand things and b) can kill us, or lead us to death, are very serious issues and worth exploring.

I have got what I consider to be a profound and palpable faith. What I mean is that it is the real deal, not just something I toy with, and that you can (at least I hope) see real evidence of it in my day to day life. We did a program at my church about 5 years ago that was designed to pinpoint what our individual spiritual gifts were. My two strongest were faith and discernment. I have no idea what the results of that program would be if I went though it today. I am light years ahead of where I was then as far as my spiritual maturity goes. But I think it was actually pretty accurate in detecting faith as a spiritual gift of mine.

But despite that, I still struggle with some areas of doubt. There are certain issues that constantly come up in my mind and I have to struggle through them every single time. They don't just quietly go away on their own. My faith is ultimately victorious, but still, a struggle is involved. As my spiritual maturity has increased, these doubts and accusations against God have become much rarer, but they still pop up from time to time. When they do pop up, I am able to overcome them, but it takes a conscious effort to do so.

The issue of hell and eternal damnation is the biggest of these doubts. I am not ashamed to admit that, although I acknowledge the reality of hell to be very real, I have a very hard time coming to terms with it. I know exactly what the root of this problem is. I (and I believe, much of humanity) have a very skewed understanding of God's holiness versus man's depravity. Both of those are big issues, and I'm not going to attempt to cover either of them right now.

Rather, I am going to share with you the verses that allow me to be at peace with the issue of hell. You might not struggle with the exact same issue I do, but I am willing to bet most of us have something that causes us to doubt. Something that we have a hard time coming to terms with. I hope that ultimately all of my doubts, which stated bluntly could be called accusations against God, will be completely wiped away. But until then, these are the verses that I call to mind whenever my doubts start worming their way into my mind.

Proverbs 3:5-6

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths."

Psalm 46:10

"Be still and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!"

Job 11:7-9

"Can you search out the deep things of God?
Can you find out the limits of the Almighty?
They are higher than heaven--what can you do?
Deeper than Sheol--what can you know?
Their measure is longer than the earth
And broader than the sea."

Genesis 15:6

"And he believed in the LORD, and He accounted it to him for righteousness."

Exodus 33:19

"I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion."

Exodus 34: 6-7

"And the LORD passed before him and proclaimed, "The LORD, the LORD God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abounding in goodness and truth, keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin,"


When those reminders are not enough, and my heart continues to doubt; when I am tempted to lean on my own understanding, and look at reality from my human perspective, instead of leaving things to God and His higher judgement, then I call to mind these two final verses.

Jeremiah 17:9

"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked"

Mark 9:24

"Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, "Lord, I believe; help thou my unbelief."


It is the verse from Jeremiah that usually does the trick. I am reminded that my heart, in other words my emotional human understanding, is deceitful. And oh yes, left to its own devices is indeed desperately wicked.

Once I remind myself of that, I am able to rest in God's sovereignty in all areas of life and eternity.