The Measure of My Days

Psalm 39:4-6

"LORD, make me to know my end,
And what is the measure of my days,
That I may know how frail I am.
Indeed, You have made my days as handbreadths,
And my age is nothing before you;
Certainly every man at his best state is but a vapor.
Surely every man walks about like a shadow;
Surely they busy themselves in vain;
He heaps up riches,
And does not know who will gather them."

The past four years of my life have been nothing short of revolutionary. So much has changed in me and about me that I would be hard pressed to detail all of it in any format that you would be willing to read. That is how much change there has been.

I'm planning to share my testimony next month in my MOPS group, and because of that I have spent a lot of time thinking about what, exactly, precipitated all of this change in my life. The big answer or course, is that God is responsible for all of it. But God has used circumstances and events to shape and mold me, because that is often how He chooses to operate. He could have thought change toward me, and it certainly would have happened. But instead, He chose the messy way--pulling me through things I would never have chosen for myself. If I were to look backward, I would see two long ruts along the way. Those would be the heels that I dug into the ground in resistance to God's shaping and pulling. But guess who prevailed? And thank goodness.

If I had to pinpoint just one thing that dramatically impacted my relationship with God, and thus my entire being, it would be the day I glimpsed my own death, and kept breathing. Now, I'll admit that I am being a tad dramatic, but not entirely. The day my first child was born, I could easily have died. If God had not graciously orchestrated events to unfold exactly as they did, it is not unreasonable to suppose that I would have bled to death.

I won't go into all of the details here and now, but suffice it to say that I suddenly and totally unexpectedly began to hemorrhage while my husband and I were on a road trip. A hospital was less than 15 minutes away when I started to bleed. But if I had convinced my husband to stop and eat lunch when I wanted to, we could have been much farther from help. God is certainly a God of details.

I have thought for a long time that it was the horrible months that followed that particular day that brought about great change. And there is no question that they did. But in retrospect, I think it was an awareness of the measure of my days, and the inherent frailty involved in that, that caused me to see this life as so passing, so transitory, like a shadow and a vapor. Tied up in that realization is a letting go of the things that I used to spend so much time, energy and emotion pursuing.

This letting go, did not happen easily or even very quickly. But it began on the day that I saw for the first time, with startling clarity, and unavoidable certainty, that my days are as handbreadths. I no longer want to busy myself in vain. I want to busy myself with things that matter, things that are true, and things that are eternal.

If I had died that day, I know that I would have gone to Heaven, because I was already a Christian, and had been for almost all of my life. But I had never done anything in this life, besides believing God, that would have eternal consequences.

But I didn't die. My days were not finished, they were given new meaning. I want them to matter. I want them to matter more than anything I have ever wanted before. Not because I want or seek anything for myself, but because I want to glorify God. I want to serve Him. Here is my heart's desire:

Psalm 40:7-10

"In the scroll of the book it is written of me.
I delight to do Your will, O my God,
And Your law is within my heart.

I have proclaimed the good news of righteousness
In the great assembly;
Indeed, I do not restrain my lips,
O LORD, You Yourself know.
I have not hidden Your righteousness within my heart;
I have declared Your faithfulness and Your salvation;
I have not concealed Your lovingkindness and Your truth
From the great assembly."

I'll admit--sometimes this newfound passion frightens me. Sometimes I wonder if I am on the verge of becoming that woman that people avoid or find obnoxious. I have no desire to be that kind of woman. But listen, if that is what God has in store for me in order to bring Him glory, show me the dotted line. My pen is poised and ready.