Against You, You Only, Have I Sinned

I've been in a weird place the last few weeks. You can see that my blog posts have been less than frequent lately. And I can't seem to get anything significant done on the Ruth study I am working on. I had a big breakthrough in that area a few weeks ago, and it was thrilling: I finished the first speaking session and discussion outline. But since then, nothing. I literally feel a deep resistance to working on it any further. I keep writing outlines in my head, and thinking of scripture that would be good to bring into the discussion, but I can't make myself sit down and write anything.

Last night I prayed for some clarity, and I think I got some this morning. I read Psalm 51, David's prayer of repentance after he was confronted by the prophet Nathan over his affair with Bathsheba. I was struck by David's astounding statement in Psalm 51:4,

"Against You, You only, have I sinned,
And done this evil in your sight--"

How is it possible that David can qualify his sin as being only against God? Um, what about poor Uriah? Or Bathsheba for that matter? Or David's many other wives whom he dishonored by committing adultery with Bathsheba? How about the entire nation of Israel? Didn't they get cheated by a king who acted so deceitfully and treacherously?

Yet despite all of that, it is God (only!) who David says he sinned against. Have you ever really thought about that and its implications? We think about sinning against other people all the time; gossiping or lying or cheating or stealing from someone. Or even just treating people disrespectfully or without love. Aren't all of those things sins? Aren't they sins against our neighbor? I've always assumed that they were. But the longer I think about it, the more convinced I am that David's words in Psalm 51:4 are more profound than I originally gave them credit for.

God is the one to whom we owe obedience. Every time we sin against our fellow man, we are ultimately sinning against the commands of a holy and righteous God. Our neighbor may get caught in the crossfire of our sinful actions. But come judgement day, it is not our sinned-against-neighbor who will sit in jugement of our actions. It is God. And all of our sin will be counted as offenses against His holiness and His commands.

Which brings me back around to the spiritual slump I find myself in. I've tried to think of all the reasons that I find myself in this situation. I could lay the blame on any number of things, and believe me, I've tried. But this morning, as I was reading Psalm 51, I saw something very clearly. If there is anything to blame for this thickness I am struggling to cut through, it is my sin, specifically, my sin against God.

I can't blame it on this, that or the other. I have to look straight inside at my own heart. It is a disheartening prospect (slight pun slightly intended.) I've been on the spiritual high. I've been to the peak. I've been dedicated and motivated and everything you associate with a woman who is "on fire" for God. But I don't think any of us get to stay there forever. We have, and will always have, too much natural sin remaining in us in this present flesh. There is no final escape from it until we leave this life for the better life that comes next.

Not to say that I won't get back to the peak. In fact, I'm determined to push past my natural inclinations and get back up there again. But it's hard. I have to fight myself in the process.

I don't want to stand out as strange. I don't want people to think of me as bizarre. I don't want women to walk the other way when they see me coming, because I might want to talk about something spiritual. I don't want to be constantly vigilant against pride or anger or idols or apathy creeping up on me. I'd rather just float through life, enjoying the luxurious and self-absorbed modern American lifestyle, and worry about eternity, well, right before I get there. Those are the things that I want.

Thank goodness its not all up to me. Thank goodness that God has sent me a Helper, the Holy Spirit, who lives in me and constantly transforms me from glory unto glory.

But the path to the peak has a crucial first step that you can't hop over if you ever want to get up there. Its the all-important step of repentance. And if I want to get past stalled and start moving forward again, I need to get on my face and repent.

Against You, You only, have I sinned, O God. Against you have I withheld my heart, my mind, my soul and my strength. Forgive me.

Psalm 51:1,2,12

"Have mercy upon me, O God,
According to Your lovingkindness;
According to the multitude of your tender mercies,
Blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
And cleanse me from my sin."

"Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,
And uphold me by Your generous Spirit."